Out

You got out.

But it doesn’t feel like you actually got out. He texts you every second and you ignore it for as long as you can stand. But you eventually give in and answer.

And you tell him to move on and leave you alone cause you broke things off to get your space. And then you turn around and say that you miss him and care about him and never meant to hurt him. And you just feel so stupid and pathetic for giving in at a low point.

You have so much going on in your life that you didn’t want to drag him into it. It wasn’t fair to him to be with him but not with him in your mind. Cause your mind is going round and round and he’s not even a part of it. And you feel so guilty.

So you stop and then you feel more guilty cause you hurt him in such a way that you never thought you were capable of. You always thought it was going to be you with a broken heart not him. But it is him and it’s because of you and what’s done is done.

Sometimes you wish you could have it all back. Falling asleep in his arms while watching Shrek and then tucking you in when it’s his time to go. He never asks you for anything and his eyes are the last thing you see of him before you decide. And they were filled with love.

And despite that Saturday, you still did it. You ended things when he thought they were perfect. And now he won’t leave you alone. He wants to know why and you always tell him and he just doesn’t understand. So you finally agree to see him one night just to tell him to fuck off. He picks you up, doesn’ t even pull into your driveway just parks on the street in front. You say hi first. He seems pissed and upset and not happy to see you like you thought he would be. But why would he? You ripped his heart out. So you each talk about your day and it’s awkward. And he asks you why and what the reasons were. And you tell him that you need to be there for your mom and the rest of your family. And you tell him it’s not fair to him to not be focused on him. He’s got so much of his life ahead of him and he needs to focus on that. But he says all he can focus on you and you’re stuck. So he drops you off earlier than you thought he would and you say bye. He says he’s sorry and you say it’s alright. You slam the door and walk away.

You thought you were free and you thought everything was going to be great. You’re free for other guys now and you don’t have to worry about how you look all the time to impress him. But you’re not free. It’s worse than before. Cause you want to see him but you can’t. You want to text him and tell him how your day was. But you can’t. Because you quit him. You see him in the hallway and you feel sad. His name on your phone just annoys you and you realize why you did it. Because he jumped in too fast. Made you his without asking you. Used your body and your mind. Was too involved for his own good. He wanted to be in the point of a relationship he was with his ex and you weren’t ready for that. You didn’t even know what that was.

So you’re glad you got out and yeah you’re going to miss him. But now you have time to work on yourself and be there for your family cause they all depend on you. And he has time to get good grades and graduate and pursue his career.

So goodbye my first kiss, relationship, and boo. I’m gonna miss ya.

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