Out

You got out.

But it doesn’t feel like you actually got out. He texts you every second and you ignore it for as long as you can stand. But you eventually give in and answer.

And you tell him to move on and leave you alone cause you broke things off to get your space. And then you turn around and say that you miss him and care about him and never meant to hurt him. And you just feel so stupid and pathetic for giving in at a low point.

You have so much going on in your life that you didn’t want to drag him into it. It wasn’t fair to him to be with him but not with him in your mind. Cause your mind is going round and round and he’s not even a part of it. And you feel so guilty.

So you stop and then you feel more guilty cause you hurt him in such a way that you never thought you were capable of. You always thought it was going to be you with a broken heart not him. But it is him and it’s because of you and what’s done is done.

Sometimes you wish you could have it all back. Falling asleep in his arms while watching Shrek and then tucking you in when it’s his time to go. He never asks you for anything and his eyes are the last thing you see of him before you decide. And they were filled with love.

And despite that Saturday, you still did it. You ended things when he thought they were perfect. And now he won’t leave you alone. He wants to know why and you always tell him and he just doesn’t understand. So you finally agree to see him one night just to tell him to fuck off. He picks you up, doesn’ t even pull into your driveway just parks on the street in front. You say hi first. He seems pissed and upset and not happy to see you like you thought he would be. But why would he? You ripped his heart out. So you each talk about your day and it’s awkward. And he asks you why and what the reasons were. And you tell him that you need to be there for your mom and the rest of your family. And you tell him it’s not fair to him to not be focused on him. He’s got so much of his life ahead of him and he needs to focus on that. But he says all he can focus on you and you’re stuck. So he drops you off earlier than you thought he would and you say bye. He says he’s sorry and you say it’s alright. You slam the door and walk away.

You thought you were free and you thought everything was going to be great. You’re free for other guys now and you don’t have to worry about how you look all the time to impress him. But you’re not free. It’s worse than before. Cause you want to see him but you can’t. You want to text him and tell him how your day was. But you can’t. Because you quit him. You see him in the hallway and you feel sad. His name on your phone just annoys you and you realize why you did it. Because he jumped in too fast. Made you his without asking you. Used your body and your mind. Was too involved for his own good. He wanted to be in the point of a relationship he was with his ex and you weren’t ready for that. You didn’t even know what that was.

So you’re glad you got out and yeah you’re going to miss him. But now you have time to work on yourself and be there for your family cause they all depend on you. And he has time to get good grades and graduate and pursue his career.

So goodbye my first kiss, relationship, and boo. I’m gonna miss ya.

The Dark

I’m afraid of the dark. I know it’s irrational and since I’m older I shouldn’t be afraid of something silly like that. But I still am. I’m afraid of things that aren’t there. When it’s dark, everything is left to the imagination. My mind tells me that there’s someone standing at the foot of my bed watching me and about to grab my ankle. And I know no one’s there but my mind makes my eyes see it and I race for the light with my heart racing just as fast.

When it’s dark there’s so much space to put things in. There’s a creepy shadow in the corner, a noise from the closet and things are spinning. I see cobwebs everywhere, I hear every single noise. So I guess I’m not afraid of the dark, I’m afraid of what my mind will do with it.

What Do I Do?

Love is so weird. You never know if you’re falling for someone or if you truly love them. Some people you know for sure you love them like your mom or dad or sibling or best friend. Because it’s your second nature to love them. But boys… well they’re different.

We’ve all had that one boy that we’ve liked forever. He’s cute and nice and you’ve known him your whole life. But he gets with your best friend right when you think you might have just the slightest chance so you know you’re done. You’re forced to move on even though you know you never can.

So there’s another boy. One you think is really annoying at the start. And then he kinda wears on you and after a month of talking and hanging out, you become good friends. And then he breaks up with his girlfriend right when you’re at the peak of liking him. And it turns out you’re the reason he broke up with her. And he likes you and he stole your first kiss and everything’s perfect. For awhile.

Thing’s get more physical and he pushes too much. You don’t want to have sex with him but it feels like you have to. Your best friend hates him and soon after, you start to feel like you do too. You’re done with him and you wish things had never started. But he likes you more than ever. Constantly wanting to see you and hang out which just means touch you. But you don’t want to be touched. You need your space.

But then there are the days when he calls you beautiful and actually makes you feel beautiful. And your stomach flips when you see his name on your screen and you want to kiss him and be near him. And you think that you could be serious with him.

But then he asks to see something. And you start to wonder if he likes the real you and not just what’s between your legs. You feel used after you get home from hanging out because you didn’t actually hang out, he just asked for sex which is the one thing you always say no to. Because it’s yours and you don’t want to give that up just for anyone. Especially someone like this. Annoying and you never want to talk to him at school cause you’re afraid of what people will say and think and you’re embarrassed that you’re even associated with him. But he says you’re his and it’s too late now. You’re stuck and you can’t get out cause you’re afraid of hurting people.

And now you’re back to square one. Do I like him? You know you don’t love him because you’re a teenager and you just don’t feel it. No fireworks no nervous knees. He’s just a boy you hang out with and kiss and cuddle with. But you want so bad to like him as much as he likes you. But it’s just not gonna happen. So you ask yourself:

What do I do?

The Beginning…

So, this is it. The beginning of my very first, horrible blog. Hopefully, it’s not going to be horrible but let’s face the truth, it probably will be. I’m sorry in advance.

I made this blog because I was bored. And, I like writing so I thought this would be perfect. I don’t really care if anyone reads it, I’m mainly making for myself and so I can look back at myself in the future and see how much I’ve progressed.

What I plan to do with this blog is just chill. I want to talk about random things and enjoy doing it. Basically, this is going to be one of the most unorganized blogs in the history of blogs. I’ll mainly talk about music, books, and video games (like it says on the homepage). If anyone reads this, you could always leave a comment of what you want to read about.

In the future, I hope at least 1 person reads this other than me. And if it’s my mom, go away. I know I said I didn’t care if anyone reads my blog or not, but come on, we’re all just a bunch of attention whores. I also hope that none of my friends find this because that’d be weird. How do people even find blogs?

I’m not really sure what else I should say. This is going to be a long journey…

I hope to post every week-ish. I probably won’t but whatever. I’ll at least try.

So, I guess this is the end of my first blog post. I know it was short but it’s my first one, don’t judge.

 

~Hailey